I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young ones.
I’m not lazy, I’m in energy saving mode.
I’m taking my pay check to the bank, because it’s too little to go by itself.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
I don’t understand why I can’t lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
I tried to get life insurance, but they laughed and said you need a life for that.
Practice safe text. Use commas and never miss a period.
I sleep like a baby at night because I don’t have one.
Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks?
Don’t you hate it when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
To find out who views your Facebook profile the most, look in the mirror.