Horror movies can change your life.
After I watched Jaws, I never wanted to go to the beach again.
After I watched The Ring, I never wanted to fall asleep with the television on again.
And, after I watched 50 Shades of Gray, I never wanted to watch a movie again.
A husband and wife go to see a marriage guidance counselor.
So the marriage guidance counselor says what the problem?
The husband says
“I want us to take long walks on the beach”
And the wife adds
“I want him to take long walks off of a short pier.”
Me: Boss, I’ve got a problem.
Boss: There are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Me: Oh, OK. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don’t know the man & he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn.
Of all the bodily functions that are contagious, thank god it’s the yawn.
The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money.
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
How to seduce me:
Deposit £5000 in my bank account.
Don’t talk to me.
Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don’t even have to hide a body.
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
Getting Lasik done this morning. If my next post is in braille, you’ll know it didn’t go well.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when the trash cans are full.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me for being such a great cook.
It’s ironic how the colours red, white and blue represent freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I’m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.