Brothers

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brothers, one is in America and the other in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.”
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Jesus, everyone is fine! This is me, I’ve quit drinking!”

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Made in Heaven

A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, “Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?” To which the man replies, “Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?” Peter says, “That’s a good question, I will be back when I have the answer.”

Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. Six weeks later, Peter returns and says, “OK, I’ve found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together.” The couple responds by saying, “We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don’t work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?” To which Peter replies, “Christ! It took me six weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”

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Sobriety Test

A man is pulled over by a police officer for a broken headlight. The cop looks in the car and sees a collection of knives on the back seat. “Sir,” he says, “Why do you have all those knives?”

“They’re for my juggling act,” the man replies.

“Prove it,” says the cop.

The man gets out of the car and begins juggling the knives just as two men drive by.

“Man,” says one guy, “I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.”

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No Toppings

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:

Customer: I ordered a Pizza 
& it came with no toppings on it or anything, its just bread.

Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this!

Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down.

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