Police officer on a crime scene calls the station.
Police Officer: I have an interesting case here. The woman shot her husband because he stepped on the floor she just mopped.
Station: Did you arrest her?
Police Officer: No, not yet. The floor is still wet.
A Scottish mother visits her son in his Miami flat.
Mother: So Charlie, How do you find the American people?
Charlie: They are the noisiest people I have met in my entire life. The neighbour in the flat on the left won’t stop banging his head against the wall and the neighbour in the flat on the right, just screams and screams all night long.
Mother: Oh, Charlie! How do you manage to put up with them?
Charlie: What can I do? I just lie in the bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.
Arab kid writes a letter to his dad.
London is beautiful, nice & I like it.
I’m a bit ashamed to goto college in my ferrari when all my teachers & friends travel by train.
£20,000,000 transferred to your bank account.
Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Go get yourself a train too.
We have 20 people coming over to our house today. My wife made me clean all week.
She’s terrified someone will find out people live here.
An old lady visits a doctor’s clinic.
Lady: I have a slight problem with gas, although it doesn’t bother me too much. Whenever I fart, it’s always silent and it never smells. And, to tell you the truth, I’ve farted at least 10 times since I have been here in your clinic. I am sure, you didn’t notice it because there is no smell or sound.
Doctor: I understand. I will give you some pills. Take one pill a day & come back to see me in 4 days.
After 4 days, the old lady comes back and complains to the doctor.
Lady: Doctor, I don’t know what on earth you gave me, but now it stinks terribly whenever I fart.
Doctor: Great! Now that we have cleared up your nose, let’s work on your hearing.
John has 35 candy bars. He eats 31. What does he have now?
Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Husband: Babe, I had an accident after work today. Catherine took me to the hospital. After an X-ray, they said, my knees have dislocated and they will have to amputate my right leg.
Wife: Who is Catherine?
The human body can survive 3 weeks without food, 3 days without water but only 3 hours without wifi.
Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. You have to be 100% sure that she won’t tell your wife.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be ‘Honey’ because that’s what dad calls her.
Teacher: That’s sweet. What’s her first name?
Kid: ‘Sorry’ I think.
3 Blondes are watching a horror film.
“We’ve seen this film all the cheerleaders get murdered by the axeman”
“Yeh it’s the creepy old janitor we have seen it.”
So Jenny asks.
“Why are you shushing us? I’ve seen the film, Tiffany’s seen the film, you’ve seen the film we all know what happens.”
And Mandy cries
“But the cheerleaders haven’t seen it, you’re going to scare them!”
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I left a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for 30 minutes as I started to feel sick! It’s good though, It does everything…Kitkats, Snickers, Mars bars, Twix !
Never stop pushing yourself. Doctors say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why stop there? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
(At the chemist store)
Chemist: Long time no see?
Me: You want me to fall ill everyday?
I’m sorry ma’am, I cannot permit my son to interact with your son until you take him off the leash. I believe in free range babies.
I would like to thank the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
The cops just came to my door and wanted to talk to me because they were getting reports that my dog was chasing people on bicycles.
I told them that’s rubbish, because my dog doesn’t even own a bicycle!
People ask me why I don’t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”