My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.
I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat.
The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.
I think the worst thing about being stuck on a remote island would be not knowing which one controlled the TV. – @superrandomish
Twitter is the only place where you get excited when a stranger follows you. – @9GAG
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time. –
That’s not a pile of laundry at the foot of my bed; it’s my base camp. – @Underchilde
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward. – @trumpetcake
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making a healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it. – @IamWillGarrett
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wing man.
Does it have apples in it?
What about pine?
No pine either.
Perfect, we’ll call it a pineapple.
[In the ambulance]
Paramedic: What’s your blood type?
Me: Whatever. I’m not fussy.
I bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Wait, what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you?
OMG, I’m freaking out right now. Tell me his exact words.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off.
Sitting in green room with Justin Bieber. Must resist urge to roundhouse kick him in his midget face.
If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask you to be your default browser, you’re brave enough to ask that girl out.
Invent a drink called “Responsibly” and your advertising is set forever.
Honestly Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do, it’s your fault.