You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
I bet you, I could stop gambling.
I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.
I don’t get why my girlfriend always starts conversations with “Are you even listening to me?!”
I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. That crazy thing would never shut up. The parrot was kind of cool, though.
I’m not one to brag about my financial skills, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like, “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?”
Oh! I don’t know, a drinking problem maybe?
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
As a young child my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out the police call this “Identity theft.”
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said I usually respond to texts, check my emails and Facebook.
Avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink.
I love my life, but it just wants to be friends.
Dear lord, there is a bug in your software. It’s called Monday, please fix it.
Love means nothing to a tennis player.