The boss of a company talks to George, a dedicated and hardworking employee.
Boss: Well, George, your employee performance review came back, and I have a couple of good news and one bad news. What do you want to hear first?
George: Boss, tell me the good news first, please.
Boss: First, you are getting promoted to assistant vice-president. Second, you are also getting the corner office with a view and your secretary.
George: Great. Thank you. Now any bad news can’t be that bad. Please tell me the bad news.
Boss: The Company just filed for bankruptcy. We’re closing tomorrow.
After moving to an old house in a very posh neighbourhood, the Smith Family realised that it was haunted. So they consulted with a psychic to communicate with the ghosts in their house.
Psychic: There is a dead family of 5 living with you in this house.
Father: Yes, we knew it because we could hear them every night.
Psychic: Is there anything you want to tell the spirits?
Father: Yes, could you please ask them to pay rent.
Two dads, Rob and John, were talking about their teenage daughters and the challenges of communicating with them.
Rob: She hardly talks to me. I hardly see her at home. She just stays in her room all day and all night. She comes out just to eat then goes back in. She locks her door, and I don’t really want to disturb her. I don’t know what to do. How often do you talk to your daughter?
John: We talk about ten times a day.
Rob: Wow! How do you get her to come out of her room?
John: Easy, I turn off the WiFi.
Jason, a young man in his early twenties who just graduated from college, got accepted to an amazing job at an amazing company. As he announced the good news to his parents, he noticed both of them crying.
Jason: Mom, why are you crying?
Mom: I’m just so happy because this has always been my dream for you. These are just tears of joy.
He hugged her mom for a quick moment, then turned to his dad.
Jason: Dad, why are you crying?
Dad: I’m just so happy because this has always been my dream for you too.
Jason: That I get my dream job?
Dad: No, that you’re moving out and now I get to turn your room into my entertainment room.
John: If you felt ill, what would you do?
Jenny: I would go to bed.
John: No, I mean before that?
Jenny: Take clothes off before going to bed.
John: You would go to a doctor, wouldn’t you?
Jenny: No, I would never go to any doctor.
John: Why not?
Jenny: A doctor killed my uncle.
John: Really? How?
Jenny: My uncle had pain in his chest. He went to see the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said ‘he’s alright.’ 15 minutes later, my uncle dies in the street.
John: Oh! What happened? Did he have a heart attack?
Jenny: No, He had a car accident.
John: Well, You can’t blame the doctor for that.
Jenny: Of course, I can. The doctor was driving the car.
An old man is in a hospital bed attached to an oxygen tank. His wife comes to visit and asks the doctor how he is doing.
The doctor tells her that he is doing better and she could visit him but to limit the conversation because he is still very weak.
The wife enters the room and sits on his bed right next to him.
The man begins to try to say something, but his wife cuts him off.
“Honey, the doctor told me to tell you to try not to speak because you’re still weak.”
The man stills attempts to force out words, but nothing is coming out.
The wife says “ Honey, please don’t try to speak, you are weak, what are you trying to say even? Is it that you love me? If it’s that important write it down.”
His wife hands him a pen and a piece of paper.
She reads the note that he has written, and it says,
“Get up! You’re sitting on my oxygen tubes; I can’t breath.”
For the men out there, if you want to win a woman’s heart this Valentine’s, take her out to a nice dinner, go on a romantic walk, and look her in the eyes and tell her the 3 words every woman longs to hear: “You lost weight!”
Oliver: This coming year 2017, I’m going to really be a new person. My new year’s resolutions will be: firstly, I will go on a strict diet, secondly, I will start exercising regularly, and thirdly, I will stop procrastinating.
Harry: But isn’t that what you said last year as your new year’s resolutions too?
Oliver: Exactly! That’s why I stopped procrastinating!
Wife: Baby, when we got engaged, you asked me to make a sacrifice if I were to be your wife. So I gave up smoking for you just to show you how much I love you. What about you, what did you give up for me?
Husband: Uh… my freedom?
James: Hey Emily!
Emily: Don’t talk to me.
James: Why, what did I do?
Emily: Last night you were so drunk that you got my apple iPad out and tried to put it in the juicer.
Emily: Yeah, and you said that you were going to make apple juice with it.
Wife: Where are you? Why aren’t you home yet?
Husband: Love, do you remember the jewellery shop on regent street where you saw a diamond necklace and fell in love with it and I couldn’t afford it then, but I said ‘I will get it one day for you’?
Wife (All excited): Yes I do, I do.
Husband: I am in the pub just next door to that.
I was on the bus the other day & I couldn’t control my fart.
So, I let it out thinking that nobody would guess who it was because the music was too loud.
Too bad, I forgot I was wearing headphones.
My village shop is a bit weird. They only accept farm animals.
So if I want a Daily Mail it costs a chicken.
If I want 2 pints of a milk and a loaf of bread it costs me a pig.
And if I want to buy a bag of frozen chips it’s a ram and a ewe.
I couldn’t afford that though.
The price is too sheep.
I’ve been in a long distance relationship for the past year. We live in the same town, I’m just not allowed, by court order, to be anywhere near her.
The strangest thing happened to me on the train today.
Found a book titled “How to increase your Memory Power” left behind on a seat.
Now, that’s irony!
My friend returned home all disappointed after his unsuccessful job interview.
I asked him, “You seem well qualified. Why didn’t you get the postman’s job?”
“I don’t know. I wonder if it has something to do with me writing ‘stamp collections’ as my hobby.”
I have been having some health issues lately and so I saw my doctor. She said it’s all because of stress and she suggested that I take up running to beat the stress.
It’s really working. I’ve been running away from my nagging wife, my overbearing boss, and those pesky credit card collectors. I feel so stress free!
Employee: Boss, I’ve got married. Can I get a pay rise?
Boss: We do not compensate for the accidents that happen outside of the work place.
A man gets on to an airplane and sits down next to his wife and he’s terrified of flying.
“It’s alright darling the pilots are very skilled”
She says and then he see’s a pilot with dark glasses and a white stick slowly walk up the stairs to the plane guided by the air hostess.
“It’s alright I’m sure the co-pilot does all the looking”
She says, only the co-pilot gets on and he’s also got a white stick and dark glasses.
The plane starts to take off and suddenly the man starts to scream.
“What’s the matter? Why are you panicking now?”
Asks the wife and the man says
“I just looked at the run way and they forgot to take their guide dogs with them!”
So a woman is giving a description to a policeman and a sketch artist.
“Well she was 5 foot 6, with green eyes and a cute button nose and full lips and a haircut that’s a bob at the front and long at the back”
“Yes, yes but what did she actually do? This woman.”
Demands the policeman.
“Nothing yet, I just wanted to know what I’d look like with a bob.”
Says the woman.
Wife comes home from work and notices her husband standing on the bathroom scale.
He sucks his tummy in, before checking his weight.
Wife: Hahaha! You know that sucking the tummy is not going to help.
Husband: It sure does. It’s the only way I can see the numbers.